Nostalgic Cardiologist

In times of troubling woes, maniac episodes and overall withdrawals (that were way overdue), I have attempted to find comfort in philosophies, ideologies and constructs that I cannot simply make sense of. No matter how hard I try, the urge to let loose of my inhibitions and give into what I am currently “lacking”, or better put as, “fiending” for, has left me stranded. The island is dark, cold and lonely. However, I have been in the process of rediscovering my roots during which I have been contemplating continuous suffering. My desire to land on the “Death Star” is a continuous notion that violently bubbles and rises to the surface in the form of aggravations, aggression and overall anxieties that I am consciously well aware are there. The only way for me, at this point in time, is to witness nostalgia and allow myself to be vulnerable until the pain no longer exists.

By this, I mean, listen to any music that I can find comfort in. Whether that may be listening to a depressing tune I remember ever so well, to lyrics and remedies that I can relate to in one aspect or another. Tempting to find reason beyond the tones of violence, tempo and musical lullabies sting, but soothes in the idea that I can feel empathy for the one expressing themselves through the sorrows, melancholy or beautiful melodies and notes. It has deserted me, but also brought me to the surfaces, of my own poetic potential and rheumatics, acting as a blanket to my desires, notions and seemingly endless cycles of pain – which feel oh so pleasurable at the same time.

As I stand by as my own witness…I hold my head high, knowing I will get through this…

I personally believe, changing yourself may seem like the “right thing to do”, but you are always the person you once were – just with more experience and maturity to lead you into the light and help you see the guidance that was always there. Not to say we, as human beings, do not change…we do…but that depends on many factors that I believe cannot be fulfilled without some form of expression, whether that be art, music, comedy, social relationships, or spirituality. Some may find a safety in numbers, while others find it in religion, morals or ideals they may not fully grasp. Acceptance in all realms, regardless of the concepts, suggestions or others innovations…giving credit and gratitude where it is due (even if others may not understand)…it does not matter…as long as you can find something to hold onto in attempts to pull yourself out of the vicious cycle of misery. It may be a bit selfish, you may feel it as being selfless – to be you. Because people will keep masking themselves with facades of who they “want to be”…not who they truly are. That is the root of many anxieties – expectations, grudges and calling yourself to complete duties and partaking in commonalities that simply…are just NOT your own.

Let’s go nostalgic for a bit…it is totally worth it…

Heartbreaker, Mariah Carey (Mariah’s outfit is so back in style – crocheted crop tops, high waisted jeans, platform shoes)

Mr. Brightside, The Killers

I Won’t Say I’m In Love, Hercules (my FAVORITE Disney movie, hands down – and one of the first songs I taught myself how to sing)

White Knuckles, OK GO (awesome music video I first saw on Dogs 101, and the song is extremely catchy and quite brilliant)

King of Anything, Sara Bareilles (another song I taught myself how to sing – unfortunately relatable…an incredible music video as well)

Telephone Hour, Bye Bye Birdie (first play I ever saw with my mother…and it is hilarious too!)

She’s So High, Tal Bachman 

I do not care to overwhelm…there are many more I wish to post…time will allow me to show more…(however, YouTube, unfortunately, stressfully burdens its viewers with too many ads, and an incredibly slow loading process)

Poetry and singing soothes the soul – the remedy that wastes it all is allowing your voice to stay untold…

“But a bird that stalks down his narrow cage
Can seldom see through his bars of rage
His wings are clipped and his feet are tied
So he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
Of things unknown but longed for still
And his tune is heard on the distant hill for
The caged bird sings of freedom.”

– Maya Angelou 

You shall above all things be glad and young…

E. E. Cummings

you shall above all things be glad and young
For if you’re young, whatever life you wear

It will become you; and if you are glad
whatever’s living will yourself become.
Girlboys may nothing more than boygirls need:
i can entirely her only love

whose any mystery makes every man’s
flesh put space on; and his mind take off time

that you should ever think, may god forbid
and (in his mercy) your true lover spare:
for that way knowledge lies, the foetal grave
called progress, and negation’s dead undoom.

I’d rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance

2 thoughts on “Nostalgic Cardiologist

  1. I agree, true self awareness and insight are difficult for even the most mindful among us but making this a priority is the first step, right? And to quote one of my favorite philosophers, Marcus Aurelius, “…life itself is but what you deem it.” If you think you’re going to fail you’ve already lost but if you can find reward in your efforts you’re that much closer to achieving your goals 🙂

    • absolutely true! and death to me (at least in the spiritual sense) is no ending either…it is merely a reflection upon your soul, a wake up call to endorse life and make the most out of your time in the physical realms…faith, patience, and time are what we must look towards to create a better self…and with experience, forgiveness and understanding (that includes conscious awareness, as well as of the surrounding) is a necessary step in progression and achievement. not to mention TONS of positivity…even if the subconscious doesn’t like the sound of it and wants to bring you down. only another obstacle to challenge, face and overcome. Thank you for reading 🙂

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