It’s A Shame

If happiness is what you seek,
then trust among the wicked.
The part that always desires (wanting more) –
{be sure of yourself}
Because you only get one chance to be like everyone else…

Eyes are judgmental,
And all around you, you’ll hear :sighs:
[You will always be wrong, even when you’re right.]
Whatever you do, they’ll still assume;
It’s tough to keep your head up (“try”).

All in all, it’s dangerous.
Giving up your hands
as they are locked in shackles
[too tight to slip loose]
The sparkle in your step – gone within an instant
As you’re placed inside a box ready for inspection.

Too far gone, you thought this would be easy.
Praising the week just to please them.
(Mistakes are old habits, but I promise, they break).
And the spell that lines the surface –
it’s a mask you can fake.

Once upon a time…it happens to us all.
You have to fall a few times to remain strong.
Without rhyme or reason, you do it for your being
Wash and repeat
Blink. Blink. Once…Twice…
If I can provide any advice…be yourself.
[It’ll do wonders for your life]

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Repetition is an Action’s Reaction

Dazzled by reflection;
OH MY! That’s intuition.
To be a sinner is the least of your worries…
Drag on the conversation,
Your desire is starvation.
My stomach is in knots.
What’s the difference between needing and wanting?
By the power invested in universality,
Try not to pass by commonality.
The eeriness to the whole situation
is that it has happened before.
Although I do not blame you,
The choices you make are yours to chose.
And if that doesn’t ring a bell,
Then class dismissed – I’m going out to the school yard… 

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Dissociative

While a disguise is likely
the bearings are frightful;
Within a confused state of mind
I find consolation

Oh, how I wish it could be!
You are standing right in front of me…
Peel back my eye lids
in order to stay focused (on) –
what was once clear as salt water
has become hazy with forbidden smog.
(The toxins which surround the faith
that you call your own…)

And yes, I am resourceful.
To call myself anything but
would be disgraceful.
Yet, the fog rolls in at the same time each night –
from dusk until dawn
I will continue to dream.

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I may not be where I want to be, but I am not going back.

April 2013

The purpose of my reflection is to progress – develop, learn and ultimately, reach a goal(s). To improve and better myself. The stress and anxiety is still burdened upon me, and I find myself sinking into past (bad) habits. Just as I had previously reconciled – people do not change – we grow older, but we are the same. With this awareness should come correction and improvement, but rather it has showed me what I am good at it and what I actually need to improve upon. My priorities are coming together. It will take time, dedication and patience, but I swear to myself I will get there. The purpose of my life may not be clear at this moment, but I have much to be proud of: an undergraduate degree, a new job, a drug-free lifestyle, a more positive attitude. Yes, there are things I still need to focus on – re-channeling negative and paranoid thoughts, controlling my anxiety, finding motivation. Most of all, I need to learn how to let free and have fun. This is something I have struggled with for as long as I can remember. I will get to where I want to be some day, but just like a puzzle, each piece needs to be strategically placed – even if it’s not done in the “correct” order. My list of goals has not gotten shorter, but I can at least say I checked a few items off.

I am so blessed and thankful for all the positivity and support that has been sent my way.

July 2014

The Only Way to Go is Up (Or to Give Up)

Moving forward is my constant struggle,

I learned I could love again, but there is a lot on my shoulders,

A lot to say, left over

(I am even learning to pray)

I wish you the best and I hope you are okay…

The Only Way to Go is Up (Or to Give Up)

Please put the bottle(s) down,

You are such a nervous wreck.

Knuckles so dry, they could cut ice on the break;

(On edge),

All I had, all I could do

Once upon the time, I knew you.

 

Every day is deemed a struggle, when you find yourself so far under.

(Considering) the well won’t hit rock bottom

Well, it’s rock solid.

The gravel falls with the travels you call nervous breakdowns;

I never meant to play you, but it was over before it even started.

 

Not enough in common to feel the voices calling,

And now, that I have found the one

You act like you have none…

Maybe you are better off without me,

(Always seemed to be).

We both have a lot of problems,

(Obviously).

Still, I root for you to get better

(the stormy weather is near).

Silver linings will never provide us with the comfort we wanted to endear.

For, inside, instilled thoughts of fear recover,

In the hands of another who is fairly similar.

 

All that had broken out was ugly,

A side I launched aside, but I was not treated right.

The guilt floods my brain, my mind

Forgiveness is in vain (in my name),

but resentment is an easier price to pay

(it just did not feel right).

 

I am in search – rediscovery of the part of me

(The one which you stole)

To treat another in the way you truly want to be.

You fed me, made me this way,

I do not blame you (though),

For you opened my eyes to see,

I was a fool to selfishness.

I tried;

I wished the glass wouldn’t shatter,

But in the end,

I need more than you can fathom.

White Flags

Darkened meadows

Dreamscapes draped upon

Sound shadows.

Scale the walls

(up and down);

You have no use for me now.

Bring about a common enemy,

Searching for the end to suffering,

While engaged in a muffled slumbering.

Excuse the accused,

Innocence is at its near.

Yet, guilt stays beyond the felt,

In corner coves covered in fear;

A hot burning stove,

But outside, mango groves

(they continue to grow).

Destination still in sight, without turmoil,

Posing a threat to abet to the rules left from drained and ruined oils.

Who will take the role of the fool?

The one who will pity the precious parties

and twisted tongues…those who have yet to be abused.

Challenges chased and unmarked schools

(What a remarkable excuse!).

Be quiet, and no one will lose.

However, remember, the whispers in silence

are not to be taken harshly.

Light is found in the lightly.

Do not upset the marshlands,

(Jump off the old bandwagon)

And keep marching…

Ashes From Ashes

Homicidal thoughts, you’ve been staying for too long,

(a while)

While the devil him/her/itself sends me adrift.

Parting tides,

Partaking sides.

Never meant to be thrown off a cliff,

(so dangerous)

But the sides of the mountain

Stay steadily rocking,

Destined to move in the slightest bit.

Why am I holding onto something that is so easy to throw away in an ashtray?

Latent with a film only found in a chain smoker’s throat,

And a cough that seeds a disease

Worth fighting through.

(Pleasantly),

My mind takes to absence and gears towards flight,

While the guardian angels protect me at night.