It’s A Shame

If happiness is what you seek,
then trust among the wicked.
The part that always desires (wanting more) –
{be sure of yourself}
Because you only get one chance to be like everyone else…

Eyes are judgmental,
And all around you, you’ll hear :sighs:
[You will always be wrong, even when you’re right.]
Whatever you do, they’ll still assume;
It’s tough to keep your head up (“try”).

All in all, it’s dangerous.
Giving up your hands
as they are locked in shackles
[too tight to slip loose]
The sparkle in your step – gone within an instant
As you’re placed inside a box ready for inspection.

Too far gone, you thought this would be easy.
Praising the week just to please them.
(Mistakes are old habits, but I promise, they break).
And the spell that lines the surface –
it’s a mask you can fake.

Once upon a time…it happens to us all.
You have to fall a few times to remain strong.
Without rhyme or reason, you do it for your being
Wash and repeat
Blink. Blink. Once…Twice…
If I can provide any advice…be yourself.
[It’ll do wonders for your life]

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I may not be where I want to be, but I am not going back.

April 2013

The purpose of my reflection is to progress – develop, learn and ultimately, reach a goal(s). To improve and better myself. The stress and anxiety is still burdened upon me, and I find myself sinking into past (bad) habits. Just as I had previously reconciled – people do not change – we grow older, but we are the same. With this awareness should come correction and improvement, but rather it has showed me what I am good at it and what I actually need to improve upon. My priorities are coming together. It will take time, dedication and patience, but I swear to myself I will get there. The purpose of my life may not be clear at this moment, but I have much to be proud of: an undergraduate degree, a new job, a drug-free lifestyle, a more positive attitude. Yes, there are things I still need to focus on – re-channeling negative and paranoid thoughts, controlling my anxiety, finding motivation. Most of all, I need to learn how to let free and have fun. This is something I have struggled with for as long as I can remember. I will get to where I want to be some day, but just like a puzzle, each piece needs to be strategically placed – even if it’s not done in the “correct” order. My list of goals has not gotten shorter, but I can at least say I checked a few items off.

I am so blessed and thankful for all the positivity and support that has been sent my way.

July 2014

Fight the Good Fight or Be Fought

People are always coming and going,

Doing favors for them without even knowing;

Destroying what you currently hold with what you aught to want.

Better safe than sorry – Otherwise, you are not.

 

Yet,

(These) gazes and stares into eyes

(Those which some would consider blank)

Cover up a story like a newspaper that has caught fire;

I have only one wish and desire: stay and love a while…

Learn what it is like being in a title.

The tidal waves storm over the rose colored haze,

And these glasses, they fog up quite often.

 

On the other end of this telephone conversation,

Usually I am in control of the radio stations…

…(And more static breeds louder voices, but meaning begins to fade out)…

Stagnant air – breath in deep and exhale.

But on the other hand,

Skips of the heart are rare.

May you agree, “This was meant to be.”

For the risks being taken are my allowance to be set free.

 

One always wishes for love and royalty,

Who would not want a paparazzi?

(Words explode with truth ladened with false justice.)

I feel as though I know where your head truly was.

A balance to the tracks that are displaced;

Security is what I lack.

(Secrecy is not tact)

Bought then sold –

Is the mirror image of my soul too cold?

(Please, for me darling, edit the way you speak before the barter turns stale)

It is much easier to be silent than master an attempt to be bold.

…Into an unfinished story, dusted and only once told…

Influence Love

Where everything flows and nothing abides

That is where life is trying to hide

Easy to miss, difficult to find

Spread love and encounter the divine;

The Only Way to Go is Up (Or to Give Up)

Moving forward is my constant struggle,

I learned I could love again, but there is a lot on my shoulders,

A lot to say, left over

(I am even learning to pray)

I wish you the best and I hope you are okay…

The Only Way to Go is Up (Or to Give Up)

Please put the bottle(s) down,

You are such a nervous wreck.

Knuckles so dry, they could cut ice on the break;

(On edge),

All I had, all I could do

Once upon the time, I knew you.

 

Every day is deemed a struggle, when you find yourself so far under.

(Considering) the well won’t hit rock bottom

Well, it’s rock solid.

The gravel falls with the travels you call nervous breakdowns;

I never meant to play you, but it was over before it even started.

 

Not enough in common to feel the voices calling,

And now, that I have found the one

You act like you have none…

Maybe you are better off without me,

(Always seemed to be).

We both have a lot of problems,

(Obviously).

Still, I root for you to get better

(the stormy weather is near).

Silver linings will never provide us with the comfort we wanted to endear.

For, inside, instilled thoughts of fear recover,

In the hands of another who is fairly similar.

 

All that had broken out was ugly,

A side I launched aside, but I was not treated right.

The guilt floods my brain, my mind

Forgiveness is in vain (in my name),

but resentment is an easier price to pay

(it just did not feel right).

 

I am in search – rediscovery of the part of me

(The one which you stole)

To treat another in the way you truly want to be.

You fed me, made me this way,

I do not blame you (though),

For you opened my eyes to see,

I was a fool to selfishness.

I tried;

I wished the glass wouldn’t shatter,

But in the end,

I need more than you can fathom.

My Heart is in it For the Killing

My Heart is in it For the Killing

You,

You are always in my prayers

(and in my thoughts);

I hope to God we do not get caught

Up in a tantrum.

I find myself attached,

like a ladle to your handle;

Scoop me up with your soft hands.

Time and time again

I remind myself every story has to end…

This though, please be gentle.

A knotted ball of yarn – impossible to singly untangle.

(The words I speak, no dissection necessary – the cost is pure evil.)

For you, love,

You are my song bird.

A muse that amuses me.

Do not let me be…

I would hope you will catch up

and chase after me.

Natura

This poem is to be turned into a song to be accompanied by an acoustic guitar. I was inspired to write this when I was at a cafe called Natura in Orlando, Florida. It was open mic night and a young Asian female, from a foreign country but living in Seattle, spilled her heart and shared her voice on stage. Her songs were beautiful, her musical talents were amazing and I was floored at how wonderfully she sang. This is only a rough draft, but I want to share my first version to show the process. I am not a song writer, nor do I even know how to play guitar. But this is to remind myself and others that anything is possible. One day, I will learn how to flawlessly strum a guitar. One day, I will record this. And one day, hopefully, I will be able to rack up the courage to sing in front of an audience, just like that girl did. I congratulate her on her bravery and a job well done.

For right now, I want to share a part of my story, some of my words and my wisdom with anyone willing to read this blog. I hope you enjoy. Any and all feedback is highly welcomed.

I Want to Grow My Wings

Aim Set Match

Unlocking garden lockets with traps,

Sorting through hooks and snaps

Rearranging pardons,

And Lately…

It’s been a mess.

Chasing black dragons;

Everyone has been.

Excused for abuse,

Time delays in the way.

Mapped out boundaries and territories,

Returning to misfortunes:

Extraordinary.

Gasping for stale air;

Depictions of water boarding.

Unsettled, unstealthed,

Scared…

Searching for a common wealth:

Tunnels of steady health.

Parking, it is darkening, miles of travels.

Seeking the way wanting me,

To finish what I started.

Devouring, expiring;

Not again in this life…

Rerouting to concluding –

Heaven will always be my hell.

Running Circles

Multiple personalities;

Balancing a stable mentality.

Fumes rush a rosary,

Filling gaps in empty cracks

Doorways seem so far away.

Irrationality;

Pinging actuality,

Rewriting fatalities

As a blurry memory.

Creaks under floorboards

Sweat on swores;

Promises, forever tomorrow…